“If in doubt, drink coffee.” — Jack Reacher
Long-time readers of this blog may remember that I’ve mentioned the ‘Jack Reacher’ character a couple times before — once when I recommended the novels and once when I attempted to fan-cast him. In the former, I mentioned Jack Reacher’s Rules, which Delacorte Press published a few years ago to capitalize on the character’s growing popularity. (There is a later edition without “Jack” in the title, too.) If you aren’t sure who Reacher is, here’s the short version [<<enter Tom Cruise joke here>>]:
“Jack Reacher, of no fixed address, is a former major in the U.S. Military Police. Since leaving the army, the authorities have not been able to locate his whereabouts, although his name mysteriously crops up from time to time in connection with investigations into murders, terrorist threats, and other breaches of the law.”
As I was trying to figure out what to write about this week, I remembered the ‘Rules’ book and thought I’d share a few. But, first, here is part of the book’s Introduction by Lee Child himself:
“Some rules are official. We form clubs and societies and associations and give them procedures and bylaws more complex than those of government bodies. [Well, I don’t know about that….]
Some rules are only semiofficial. Hit on your friend’s best girl? No way. Rat out an accomplice? Not going to happen. Break a strike? You’d rather die.
Some rules are just slogans, consoling and emboldening. Maybe as a kid, your gang — part of your street in part of your city in your country in the big, bewildering world — was, like kids are, told by your parents and teachers to be scared of strangers. No, you said. Strangers should be told to be scared of us.
Jack Reacher has always followed his own rules. He grew up in a fractured way, six months here, three months there, always moving, never stable, never belonging. Then he was a soldier, but too wise to buy into all the nonsense. He obeyed only the rules that made sense to him. Then he was cut loose and became a true outsider, profoundly comfortable with solitude. Does he have a tribe? You bet. He’s human. But in his case he kept on slicing and dicing until he got all the way down to a tribe with just one member — himself. But that tribe still needs rules, to guide, and embolden, and simplify, and reassure.
What follows are some of them.”
[Note: At this point, I’m tempted to get into a discussion about the problems of moral relativism. But, this is neither the time nor place.]
To be fair, these aren’t all “rules to live by”, exactly. Some are more like observations, opinions, warnings, etc. But, you get the idea.
o Never count on anything except surprise and unpredictability and danger.
o Ring doorbells with your knuckles or elbows to avoid leaving fingerprints.
o Walk up the edge of stairs to minimize the chances of loud creaks. Stairs squeak at their centers where they’re weakest.
o Go to bed fully clothed so you are always ready for action.
o Climb through a hole feetfirst. If there’s an ax or a bullet waiting, better to take it in the legs than in the head.
Breaking and Entering:
o First thing to do before attacking a lock is to check that it’s not already open. Nothing will make you feel stupider than picking a lock that’s not locked.
o To kick a door down: take a run toward the door, making sure to stay upright, and with your dominant leg kick the area below the doorknob hard, using your sole or your heel.
o For a door with a glass panel, use the sole of your shoe to break a hold in the glass, then reach through to the handle.
Choose Your Weapons:
o Next to a shotgun, a pool cue is the best weapon in a fight.
o A handgun at two hundred feet is the same thing as crossing your fingers and making a wish.
o A chisel plunged into the back of your head is going to seriously ruin your day.
o Rolls of quarters in your fists — good old-fashioned technology.
o “Twelve-gauge lead shots settle most disputes at the first time of asking.”
o Nothing’s too urgent for coffee.
o It’s all about the caffeine.
o A good coffee mug is cylindrical in shape, narrow in relation to its height and with a thin lip.
o Ignore the fancy brews and get a tall house blend, black, no cream.
Conquer Your Fear:
o “I’m not scared of anybody… But certainly I preferred it when he was dead.”
o Her: “Why are you going back?” Reacher: “Because they told me not to.”
o “You see something scary, you should stand up and step toward it, not away from it. Instinctively, reflexively, in a raging fury.”
o Turn your fear into aggression.
o Identify the ringleader…. The ringleader is the one who always moves first.
o “Then I cheated. Instead of counting three I headbutted him full in the face.”
o Make the first shot count.
o Never revive a guy who just pulled a gun on you.
o “Attacking me was like pushing open a forbidden door. What waited on the other side was his problem.”
o “You don’t throw my friends out of helicopters and live to tell the tale.”
o “He had no prejudice against fast food. Better than slow food, for a traveling man.”
o Eat when you can, because you never know when you will next get the chance.
o Always eat a perfect breakfast: pancakes. Egg on the top, bacon on the side, plenty of syrup. And plenty of coffee.
o Before a night of action and stress, go for empty calories, fats, and complex carbohydrates: pizza and soda.
o After a fistfight, the best cure for a sore hand is to wrap it around a cold beer.
o To set your own broken nose, smack yourself firmly in the face with the heel of your hand.
o “Duct tape: the finest field dressing in the world. The Marines once flew me from Lebanon to Germany with nothing but duct tape keeping my lower intestine in.”
o Know when to get mad, and know when to count to ten before you get mad.
o “I’ve counted way past ten on this one. Way past.”
o “They mess with me, they answer to me.”
o “I wasn’t angry. I was barely interested. If I had been angry, we’d be cleaning up with a fire hose. As it is, we’re going to need a forklift truck.”
Random and Assorted:
o “Now they broke my toothbrush, I don’t own anything.”
o “Be skeptical but not too skeptical. Too much skepticism leads to paranoia and paralysis.”
o “Dealing with morons… is like teaching Hindu to a beagle.”
o “Suicide bombers give out all kinds of telltale signs. Mostly because they’re nervous. By definition, they’re all first-timers.”
o Most people stick to underwear from their country of origin. It’s a big step putting on foreign underwear, like betrayal or emigration.
o “I’m sleeping well… but I think that’s mostly because of the tranquilizers.”
o Four o’clock in the morning is the best time to attack. In the Army they call it KGB time.
o “Carry a spare shirt and pretty soon you’re carrying spare pants. Then you need a suitcase. Next thing you know, you’ve got a house and a car and a savings plan and you’re filling out all kinds of forms.”
o “Reacher made no reply. It was a technique he had perfected half a lifetime ago. Just stand absolutely still, don’t blink, say nothing. Wait for them to run through the possibilities. Wait for them to start worrying.”
o If you’re surrounded, that simplifies your problems.
o Never hit a woman unless she’s trying to kill you.
o “I don’t want to put the world to rights. I just don’t like people who put the world to wrongs.”
That’s enough, but there are plenty more in the ‘Rules’ book — and, of course, scattered throughout the novels.
You know, come to think of it, I haven’t read a Reacher adventure in several months. Time to put one on the top of my reading (or listening) pile….